Rambling Thoughts for Disney Girls

I have a few choice words for the makers of the Disney Princesses.

First of all, I grew up on the likes of Belle from Beauty and the Beast and Arielle from the Little Mermaid. My personal favorite was Cinderella, the poor little maid, or maybe Snow White, mostly because with her deep, white skin and creepy dark hair, we kind of looked alike. But here’s the deal, a lot of people in the cyber world have issues with the fact that the Disney Princesses show women as pathetic, helpless young ladies who have to be rescued by handsome, charming men in order to have fulfilling lives. They feel that this sends the wrong message to young girls. Want to know what my issue is? I would like to be rescued by a handsome, charming man and despite the fact that I am pretty adorable and a little sassy, I cannot get someone to come rescue me and take me off to a foreign country to be a reigning princess.

I mean, Sleeping Beauty just took a flipping nap for a few years and woke up practically fornicating with a Prince. I wake up from a deep sleep with more drool than a teething baby and frankly, I’m still tired. And if there is a boy in my bed that wants to do anything more than hit the snooze button, he’s in for quite a disappointment.  If anything, Sleeping Beauty was lucky. How many of you would just like to take a long nap without interruption? For all we know, Sleeping Beauty felt the same way. She wasn’t poisoned to sleep until a boy kissed her, she was just like, “You guys know what? I’m tired. Dating is a lot of work. Wake me up when you find a guy willing to put up with me. And make sure he’s hot. Night night.”

Cinderella also totally rubs me the wrong way. So what, she had to do a couple chores for a few years and then she got rewarded with a plethora of riches and huge, poofy wedding dress.  I mean, Cindy, cry me a river, okay? My mother has been cleaning up after me for 23 years and she doesn’t need to drape herself in tulle as a reward. Furthermore, the whole “identify me with my glass shoe” thing. That just screams foot fetish. How can you keep a man like that from straying? Wouldn’t you be constantly worried that he’d be hanging out at DSW or asian pedicure shops? Do you remember the New York Jets coach that got caught flirting with his wife’s feet? Sure it’s blown over by now, but let’s just say that if they invite guests over for dinner, I’d bet my measly bonus that the wife isn’t insisting any woman takes off her shoes off when they come through the door.

Arielle, the feminists argue, totally sends the wrong message: “Change who you are for love!” Well, no offense, but I think we can all agree that you have to change for the one you love. I’m not being unromantic, I’m being realistic. I could honestly live without sports, but my boyfriend likes them so sometimes I pretend like I like them too. Does it really hurt me to name drop Draymond Green? No. I love him more than I hate sports, that’s all. So what, Arielle gave up fish fins. It wasn’t doing much for her body shape anyways.

Belle from Beauty and the Beast has a little more depth. She chose personality over looks, which at first seems deep, until you realize she’s nothing more than an old-school gold digger. Hot, young thing going for a hairy, rich, fat guy? I think we all know how this ends. And it’s not with a prenup.

Now, I’m thinking that I could really benefit from becoming a Disney Princess. I’m cute, tall, thin. I can’t sing, but I have a lot of snark and sass and I’ve watched the Disney Channel recently and they are all about sass. I’m thinking some type of plot line which involves me shopping a lot with someone else’s money and then taking a long nap and waking up, only to discover that I have to spend the rest of my life sleeping and shopping with a very hot man.

Seems like a real blockbuster to me. Any takers?

My Top 12 in 2012

I found out when I was in my first part of my job in LA that I am “results-focused.” If I have a goal in mind, I’m just a real goal-getter. If you just want me to sit there and twiddle my thumbs, I’ll die of boredom. So, with that in mind, I have 12 goals for 2012:

1. Be More Social
Since I’m a total loner during the week and living alone in a new city, I’m going to challenge myself to make friends in Fort Wayne. The only thing worse than spending 18 months in Indiana is being miserable for 18 months in Indiana. Ideally, I’d like to cry when they ship me off to my new spot. How will I make friends? I have no idea. My guess is as good as yours. I’m open for friends if you have any in the Fort Wayne area you want to share.

2. Be More Relaxed About Exercise
I’m a total running-calorie-counting addict. I’d love to be able to let loose a little with that. Right now, I work out about 6 days a week and have a strict calorie counting regiment. And I don’t deviate. Except on Fridays/Saturdays, which brings me to…

3. Ease Up on the M and Ms
I don’t buy junk food at the grocery store because if it’s not in my apartment, I won’t eat it. So when I head home to my parents’s house or over to my boyfriend’s place, my willpower goes out the window. I. Eat. Everything. I can’t help myself. No M and M is safe! But then I feel gross and kind of guilty because what’s the point of eating healthy 5 days of week if you eat like shit the other 2? So I’d really like to find a happy medium in 2012. Plus, someday when I have cute little babies, I won’t be able to just not buy unhealthy food because frankly, a childhood without M&Ms is not a childhood at all.

4. Get Back Into Yoga
I used to LOVE yoga, but in the past 7 months, I’ve totally given it up. I really would like to distort my body in unnatural ways though, so ideally I’d like to start doing it even just one time a week.

5. DIY Furniture
I have a TON of furniture in my new place that I need to bite the bullet on and just paint. But because I am scared of making a mistake and it’s also freezing outside, I haven’t painted a thing. But, a year from now, it better all be painted. The 90’s were a fun decade, but my furniture really needs a makeover

6. Get More Energy
With such an insane work schedule lately and a routine of cooking/running/cleaning that takes up a lot of time, I usually just exhausted come Thursday and Friday, which means I don’t even have the energy to go out on the weekends. I just want to sleep. I’ve started to fight back a little. I set a later start time to my day–now I won’t come in until 9, which means I can sleep in until 7 and still work out before I go in. But, I need to eat more than salads and crackers and get to bed a little earlier so that I can have a social life on the weekends and my whole life just won’t be work.

7. Be Nicer to My Boyfriend
I have been such a grouch lately, poor Marco Polo has gotten the brunt of it. It’s not his fault I’m overworked, underfed, and stressed out. And that I can’t online shop at work to distract me from the fact that I live in Indiana.

8.  Travel!
I finally feel a little secure in my finances (hopefully I’m not jinxing any of this, because I still haven’t done my taxes!) so I really want to spend a little money and travel this year. I’d love to go to South America or Germany, but Marco Polo is starting his job in the fall and won’t be able, so I’m not sure what I’ll do yet. But, the whole point of working is to have money to do things and have new experiences, so I hope this year I at least make take all of my vacation days.

9. Take the Running Class–and Then Use It!
I really, really, really need to take a running class. I run like an insane toddler. My hips don’t move like they should, my feet are all pointed funny, and whenever I stop running to walk, I almost topple over because my balance is so off. There are running classes out there to teach you how to run for longterm success and I’ve just been such a wimp about it because I hate being criticized for the way I run. It’s intimidating! But, I’d love to run another half marathon this year. Fort Wayne has one in September and I think it’d be a really fun memory to have of the city since I’ll only spend one fall in Indiana before I’m shipped off.

10. Get A Puppy!
My parents are not going to be happy that this item is on the list, but I hope everyone will have an open mind as they hear me out. While the worst part about living alone is how scary it is, it’s also super easy to focus on myself a little too much. I’d like to have a reason to come home after work, you know? A guy at work suggested I get a cat, but I just don’t think I’m that desperate yet.

11. Cut My Hair
I’ve been using my hair as a total security blanket and I’m scared to even trim it right now. I’m not saying I need to chop it, but I’ve gotten my haircut once in the past 18 months. Once. My hair is so long, I shed more than a labrador retriever. I just haven’t cut it because I hide behind it at work. If a cranky boy employee is being a little difficult, I kind of just do a hair flip and giggle and he’s nicer. But that’s wrong and not fair and it takes a really long time to do. And also, I don’t own a horse and having horse hair is just really not very sexy.

12. Have a Christmas Card!
I really, really, really want to do my own Christmas card this year. Relax Ann, I will still write your Christmas letters. But, I’d like to mail my own out! There are so many cute options on Etsy and I rarely get to see my friends anymore, so I’d adore to mail out my own cute little cards.

So, what’s your top 12 in 2012? Are you going to keep me honest?

An Honest Day’s Work

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about my job and what I do all day. I’m definitely in the “pay your dues” stage of my career, so my day to day work isn’t exactly fulfilling or exciting. My job doesn’t have bells and whistles and I don’t have the luxury of leaving early, getting to work late, or taking long lunches. My work is open 24/7/365 and that means there is always an issue, always a reason to stay, and you’re never the first one in or the last one out. I work with 40 highly educated people and 500 people with GEDs or high school diplomas.

Those 500 people work hard. They work overtime, they work nights, they cannot be late to work or come too early. Many live paycheck to paycheck and if their paycheck has issues, their lives have issues. They don’t live glamourous lives and they haven’t been given the gifts my parents afforded me. One day, I was in their break room and staring at a guy who was falling asleep. He looked exhausted. He was working the night shift and was only an hour or two into a twelve hour shift. And I thought to myself, “God, I hope my kid doesn’t have to do this. I hope I can give him or her every opportunity.” And then I thought to myself, “God, I’m a snob.”

The guys I work with make honest livings. They don’t cheat, steal, or run away from their bills. They work hard, with their hands, to make ends meet. Many are supporting their children through college and picking up extra shifts to ensure their own children don’t have to take out student loans. In Michigan, many of my friend’s parents worked hard, but in California, that wasn’t the case. I met a lot of people who I felt were kind of cheating the system. Actors or models that were using their looks to get by or creeps that hurt other people to climb up the corporate ladder. I didn’t always work as hard I could because I wasn’t pushed to. Now, if I don’t work a 10 hour day, I think to myself, “did I do my best today?”

I still want a better life for my own children. I don’t want them to ever have to work nights to support themselves or not have the luxury of taking a day of PTO when they really need it. But I do want them to make a good, honest living and if they can just do that, I’m sure I’ll be proud.

Comparing the Two Evils: Indiana vs LA

After residing in Indiana for two weeks, I’ve gotten a lot of questions along the lines of “how does living in LA compare to living in Fort Wayne.” Usually my answer is altered for whoever is asking. For example, my mentor in LA who is a Calfornia girl through and through gets the “I miss LA” response while the guy at work who wears his Indianapolis Colts hardhat gets the “Midwest over West Coast” anyway response. But, I’m going to be pretty honest with you: They both suck sometimes. And they’re both great sometimes. Let’s compare the facts:

Los Angeles:
The Weather: Gorgeous even when it’s “cold.” Cold is 50. If I see 30 in Indiana, I turn the heat down. The sun comes up early, so it’s actually easy to get up in the morning, unlike in the midwest when you might as well just not set an alarm clock because it’s too dark to get out of bed  until around noon.
The People: Are insane. Really. They’re either insane because they’ve been trying to “break into the biz” for 30 years and only took their job at Corporate America to pay their bills until their screenplay which would be “just a perfect fit for Brad and Angelina” or they are literally insane and moved to LA because the weather is nice so when they sleep outside, they don’t get as cold. They’re all super tiny and work out freaks, so expect to be leered at if you order anything other than a salad for dinner. But they drink a lot. So that 150 calorie salad will usually have at least 1,000 calories of booze. I’m a skinny girl and I remember a woman at work (an extra in Barry’s Burn workout DVDs) tell me that she eats 4 Peanut M and Ms a day and that I should do that too. Yeah, I ate an entire 5 pound bag of peanut M and Ms in one day. I don’t think I’m the type to stop at 4.
The Traffic: Is a nightmare. I walked to work, so my commute was only about 7 minutes by foot. But, I knew a guy that left his house every morning at 4:30 to be at work by 6 so that he could work until 3 so he could leave and “beat traffic” to be home by 5. The average commute was an hour–and this was for people who lived within 20 miles. And if you want to go to the beach after noon on the weekends, enjoy your two hour stop and go traffic. No fun. And LA has a no cell phone policy while you’re driving, which means you actually have to focus on the stop and go. I’ll pass.
Commute Home to MI: A 3 hour flight with a one hour layover with a 45 minute flight. With a three hour time change. Never again, my friends. Never again.
Boyfriend: It was not fun to have a boyfriend in Michigan while I lived in LA. It was just no fun at all
Sales Tax: 9.25% Keep your dimes, people. That stuff adds up.
Income Tax: 9.3% for everyone that makes between 47k and 1,000,000. That’s really great. So a CEO of a small company and I are taxed at the same amount. Super fair. Not.
Groceries: Because I often ate lunch at work, my groceries per week were only about 40 bucks. But, I also was buying stuff for dinner at work and eating breakfast there, so I don’t have a super fair estimate. A guy I worked with said he spent around 100 bucks a week, all things considered.
Rent: I paid 930 to live in one bedroom of a 3 bedroom apartment, with all utilities included. My company paid the other 750. That means my three bedroom apartment ran 5,040/month to live in a suburb of Los Angeles with parking. My checking account aches even thinking about that. It’s over 60 grand a year.

Cost of a Beer: Somewhere between five bucks and 15 bucks. For a PBR. Is that California hippie irony or are you being serious?
Price of Gas: Usually around 4 bucks a gallon. Sometimes you get a discount if you pay cash. But for those types of places, you’ll also have to risk your life since there will bars on the windows.
Random Fact: I actually started thinking 47 was too cold to be outside without a jacket. Those were the glory days, my friends.

Fort Wayne, IN:
The Weather: Cold. Cold all the time. My fingers are white from the minute I go running in the morning until I jack the heat up in my apartment. Really excited to see that bill, by the way.
The People: Are some of the nicest people I have ever met. Genuine and hardworking, they make an honest living every single day and I work harder at my job because I know how hard they’re working. There are people in LA who shouldn’t be proud of how they make their money or make money off of other people suffering. In Indiana, the people work long days and go home to their families. It’s nice.
The Traffic: Is almost nonexistent. The only annoyance is Indiana’s love for stop lights. Because there is so little traffic, the stoplights don’t seem to be any timers. If I want to be at work 6 miles away, I just need to give myself 12 minutes: 4 minutes to warm up the car, 8 minutes to drive.
Commute Home to MI: A one hour, 48 minute drive up one highway: I-69 north to exit 87. The only bummer is that you’ll need some podcasts because at the bottom of the mitten and the top of Indiana, there isn’t any radio or cell service. This is clearly God’s land.
Boyfriend: I love visiting Mark on the weekends. We actually can just spend weekends together doing nothing, like a normal couple. Yesterday he watched the MSU game while I baked cookies. I felt like we were normal again.
Sales Tax: 8%. Thanks a lot Chicago. Rumor is, they turned up the Sales Tax because assholes from Chi-town used to drive over for Gas and Groceries. But hey, I’ll take it because of the income tax.
Income Tax: Due to my slow conversion from California residency to Indiana residency, I’m not positive what my tax rate will be, but it’ll be somewhere around 3%. Just so you understand, the means I dropped from 9% to 3%. Thank god.
Groceries: I can’t buy lunch at work anymore, so my grocery bill is about 55 bucks a week (up from 40). I could make it less if I refused to buy Skinnycow Ice Cream or Diet Coke, but I work 50 hours a week and I will be damned if I will refuse myself an ice cream cone at the end of the day.
Rent: 668/month, plus 65 for a garage rental, 73 for cable (and DVR), estimated 100 for gas and electric (let’s hope that’s a generous estimate). So total is 916 to live by myself. After picking up after roommates for the past four years, I will happily pay that amount to have my own bathroom where the only hair in the drain is my own.
Cost of a Beer: I’ve heard rumors of quarter beer nights. That could be serious trouble if true.
Price of Gas: About 3.25 a gallon. Always a dollar cheaper than LA and a quarter cheaper than MI. I’m sure the reason as to why, but as long as the price stays low, I don’t really care.
Random Fact: I shop at Wal-Mart every Sunday. The prices really are lower! I’m still in the time of my life where I’ll suffer through long lines, messy shelves, and smelly people just to save a buck.

So there you go, a cost breakdown analysis. Overall, I prefer Indiana to Los Angeles, but I think I’d like to try Chicago or Birmingham/Royal Oak after this. I’d like to live WITH my boyfriend or near my friends instead of scheduling trips. And considering the greeter at Wal-Mart now knows my name, it’s probably time to get out of there before I become a “Wal Mart” Person.

So, where would you live if you could? Would you shop at WalMart to save three bucks a week?

Table for One, Please

Before!

Pictures!

It’s not much, but I finally managed to hang up some dining room pictures, courtesy of my older brother, Dr. Dave. In person, they look a lot more straight, so I’m going to pretend like the camera angle is what’s making them all crooked. Clearly it wasn’t my hammering job, which was nothing but impeccable.

I’m still debating what I want to do with the table and chairs here. I’ve seen some really great looks where people have painted their oak chairs white, which look great with their oak tables and I’ve also thought about just replacing the chairs period, maybe with fabric chairs. However, since it’s like 12 degrees out, I’ve decided not to pain until the spring and just kind of see how I feel about the oak side table, oak tv stand, and oak table come May. It’s totally against my instincts to paint oak, but it does look super 90’s. Which didn’t bother me until the factory I work at decided their oak furniture was too out of date to keep. I mean, seriously?! THE FACTORY I work at is replacing oak furniture and I still have it! Eeek!

Of course, in order to paint any of this furniture, I’ll need to learn how to paint. But I’ll worry about that later.

Why I Shouldn’t Use WebMD

I have a lot of free time on my hands.

See, I don’t have any friends in Indiana, so after a 12 hour work day, I usually come home and sit on my couch and think about how sad my life is. And then my stomach hurts or my fingers turn white or I get a headache and since I’m bored and really, my only friend is myself, I start to self-diagnose.

In the last week alone, I’ve suffered from cramps, hair loss, acne, stomach aches, I coughed at least four times, sneezed twice, had back cramps, dizziness, and a severe case of paranoia. As you can imagine, all of these ailments are life threatening.

I began the Google hunt for what was causing them. Although I don’t exactly go to medical school, I can say with some confidence (thanks to wikipedia, webMD, and other somewhat professional looking websites, if you overlook the WEB CAM LADIES! advertisements) that I am ill. Deathly, deathly ill. You may want to sit down.

I have Lupus (EVERY SYMPTOM! Well, except you know, the rash which is how it’s usually identified. Tomato, Tomaaahhto). And cervical/bone/breast/spinal/brain cancer (or all of the above). As well as depression (bipolar, genetic, and seasonal), influenza (difficult to determine what strand, so probably all of them), PCOS (I”m not sure what the letters stand for, but it seemed very not fun), the common cold (that commonly kills!),  anxiety issues (well, no shit, after reading these websites) , and I may be in my third trimester of pregnancy–which means that the food baby I thought I was having may in fact be, the heir to the Flood Family Fortune (ha! What fortune? My parents are spending all their money!). In addition, there is a chance that I have testicular cancer, although if that’s true, I will be the first female ever. In which case, I’m assuming treatments would be lacking and my demise could be closer than we think. I also could be dehydrated, but considering I drink 3 cups of coffee and two diet cokes a day, I seriously doubt that’s the case.

Most of these illnesses require serious doctor visits, but I”m too cheap to pay copays and besides, my ancestors, the Indians, didn’t have healthcare and that side of the family lives forever. Clearly the answer is to just walk it off. Of course, if I am indeed in my third trimester of pregnancy, I might need a stroller. And a nanny. And my own church, because I’m birthing the messiah and I am your new Virgin Mary.

As I sit here and think of all the diseases I’ve managed to get in just ONE week in Fort Wayne, I can’t help but think Cliff Flood would say if handed this checklist of ailments: “Honey, you’ve got serious issues.”

I know, Dad. I know. I WebMD’d them.

Well, This is Awkward

See anything goofy?

I forgot to share this picture with you all months ago, and then I found it again and I figured hey, I’ve lost most of my dignity by following my dreams all the way to Indiana, I might as well give whatever I’ve got left.

So the above picture is a picture I took of me on my first day of real work ever, in Los Angeles, California. I was extremely confident in this outfit. I looked cute, fresh, crisp, and professional.

Oh and also, my skirt was on backwards. And I wore it like that.

Whoops.

My Big Accomplishment

Today I got up at 6 am to run 4 miles in the snow before I worked a 10.5 hour day, only to rush home to eat dinner before dashing off to a girl’s house to watch The Bachelor. And then I couldn’t find her house and had to retreat back to my own place, only to have her call and give me directions, but by then I was to emberassed.

So, what did I do instead?

I put together a vacuum cleaner. By myself.

I know this seems like a small accomplishment and I understand that it wasn’t exactly like painting the Mona Lisa. But I had to use a screw driver, okay? And then I had to test it and considering it was 10:20 pm, it was rather rude of me to even turn it on. But it worked! Considering the amount of times I thought to myself “I wonder if I can just take this home and have Daddy do it” or “Maybe I can get Mark to come down here on Friday and do this,” I’m pretty happy with myself.

Sometimes, my friends, it’s the little accomplishments in life. I’m nothing near successful in life, but I have a working vacuum. Take that.

Apartment Update #1

Well, the good news is, we’ve made some progress.

There are a lot of changes coming, but right now, I just want to be able to come home to a place that doesn’t give me a rash just looking at the not-matching pillows.

To remind you, this is what I was working with:

Beige on Beige on ugly pillows

Originally, I had great intentions of doing lots of DIY stuff and while, when I get around to it, that sounds great, for now, my mother force-shopped me over the weekend. Some stuff is temporary, some I really hope to keep, but it was all affordable.  Presenting, the after:

color! yay!

I really love the colors in the painting–they brighten up the room so much! (Note: The back of the artwork gave very specific hanging directions. But I didn’t understand them so I did a very pathetic hanging job instead. If the painting is still hanging in the morning, we’ll call it a success. If it crashes and cracks the glass, I’m going to have extra Bailey’s in my coffee).

The barstool of a side table has been replaced with a real side table, courtesy of Mommy, and we purchased a beige lampshade to replace the princess pink lampshade I was formally dealing with. The pillows are purchased, not DIY’ed as planned because I forgot to mention that I don’t know how to sew…so that would be a long process. They’ll work for now. It’s hard to see in this lighting, but they’re actually chocolate brown and then of course, the bright purple one. There’s another chair in this room, but it’s a work in progress.

My original idea of purple and teal has given way to more of purple, green, pink, and beige feel. Which in all honesty, is more me. I want to be exciting and bold, like the color teal, but I’m not. I’m reliable. Dependable. Cutesy. I’m pink.

Eventually, I’d like to find an area rug to brighten up this room as a statement, since I probably won’t paint the walls. Overstock.com has some really great bargains and they ship for free (fo’free!), but I’m nervous about not seeing the carpet prior to its arrival, even if it’d be free to return it (does anyone else HATE going to the post office?) Curtains would also be a great addition to add some color and also hide the ugly (but functional) blinds.

One room 25% done, 4 other rooms to go!

Of Work and Balance

I’ve had kind of rough week.

Today, my bathroom scaled summed it up by spitting out a number that is four pounds above my normal weight. Which means that in a matter of four days, I’ve gained four pounds. Now, that would mean eating 14,000 calories above my normal intake and while I did inhale a bag of bakery-sized M&Ms on Monday night out of sheer pathetic-ness, even I know that I couldn’t have possibly gained that much pure fat. And while I know everyone likes a skinny girl bitching about her weight, I’m not so much mortified about the gain of 4 pounds (a small chicken at the grocery store) as I am about the meaning behind the 4 pounds.

Because my normal routine of taking care of myself has turned to shit in the past two weeks.

Before I even started the whole process below, I actually had to leave my first job in Los Angeles. Since it was an assigned rotation, it wasn’t like I had a Bon Voyage party in the break room. There were final presentations, final reviews, final lunches with people who probably were wondering why the pale girl in the corner looked like she was tweaking out. Nope, not on drugs. Just the overload of stress has made my eye start to twitch. Yup, I now have a twitching eye. Awesome.

But anyways, that was just the beginning. After I left LAX?

First, I moved. My parentals have always moved me so I’ve never really felt the stress. But basically, I took a red eye flight, slept for 6 hours (after being awake for 22 hours), and then in a panic due to the early arrival of movers, drove 2 hours south to Fort Wayne. I actually missed my entrance to the highway because I was freaking out. Thank god for Bonnie, the incredible GPS.

Then, I had to move. Physically getting myself from point A to point B was physically exhausting, but nothing compared to actually unloading boxes and putting stuff away and writing checks and figuring out how allllllll of my stuff is going to fit into one itty bitty closet. Yes, my closet is like a muffin top (you know, big girl stuffed into little jeans) right now: everything’s just pouring out. At one point, my mother had to feed me McDonalds (and you know I don’t do McDonald’s–I’m simply am a Subway girl) at 5 pm because I was turning white with an overload of stress, jet lag, and exhaustion. That doesn’t even include coordinating utilities, cable appointments, and deliveries. When my boyfriend drove down and asked me to go see a movie at 10 pm, I didn’t even read what the movie was about. I just thought: quiet. Nothing to do. Just sit. Of course, then he took me to The Gray with Liam Neeson. Spoiler Alert: Everyone dies. Really uplifting. Don’t see it. You’re welcome for spoiling it for you. Seriously, you’ll thank me later.

After I moved and then moved, I went back to Michigan for the weekend. I thought spending the weekend alone in Fort Wayne would be depressing (Little did I know that every day in Fort Wayne is depressing–don’t think the weekends get extra special depression treatment!) It was only six days ago, but I have no idea what I did last weekend. I know I bought a dresser. And that my dad told me I was allowed to be lazy. And I baked cookies. But really, I was in a fog.

Because then I drove back to Fort Wayne and got the overwhelming stress of starting a new job. And this isn’t a lush job. This job is HARD. This job makes me realize why men are the prominent gender in factories and why I also have way bigger balls than anyone gave me credit for. I might be pale, thin, and cutesy with my headbands and pink tshirts, but I am also way tougher than you think. Well, probably. I would have cried after my first day, but I was too tired. My hours are insane, I leave before the sun comes up and come home after it goes down. If I want to fit in a workout before work, I have to run in the freezing cold dark. I attempted to use the Apartment Complex’s workout room after work one day, but halfway through my usual run, I quit. My legs hurt, my head hurt, I’d worked a 10.5 hour day, and you know what? I was tired.

I guess the entire point of this post is three things:

1. I’m stressed out and exhausted to the maximum. I’m breaking out. My hair is falling out. Of course, I have a shitload of hair so that could just be normal shedding, but for the case of dramatics, let’s go with it. Not only am I coping with starting a new hard job, my apartment is a mess, my routine is in dire need of a clean up, and sometimes, all I want to do is just sit on my couch and not move or talk or text or email or blog. I want to be quiet. If I have ever come close to understanding why alcoholics do what they do, this would be it. Taking the edge off sounds pretty damn good.

2. I’m giving myself a Get Out of Jail Free Card. I’m going to be nice to myself about the last two weeks. Normal me would beat myself up about not working out enough, binge eating goldfish, and sleeping in until 6:30 instead of pounding on the pavement for a four mile loop at 5:30 am. But I’m not. It’s been a hard week and if the only way I can feel even just a little better is to eat carbs and chocolate and ice cream, then dammit, I’ve earned it. This Pity Party is full on and the only invited guests are me and a tub of Skinny Cow ice cream.

3. But next week, it’s time to make a routine. Not just so I don’t continue my trend of gaining a pound a day (or that muffin top of a closet will be a muffin top of a Maggie since I’m way too cheap to purchase new clothes) but because I need to have some structure in my life that is so out of whack right now, I’m too exhausted to cry over it. More water, less diet coke. Enough with the carbs and candy, hit out the healthy foods that are more filling and probably better for my brain chemistry, which is dealing with a lot right now. And even though 5:30 am runs suck, I need to do them for the endorphins and so that when I come home from work at 7 or 8, I don’t have to try and stack exercise on top of my already giant to do list. If it’s too cold to run outside, then I need to just suck it up and spend the cash to join a gym. It’s not like I’m spending money on having fun right now anyways. There’s the silver lining!

So, help me out. Have you ever been so stressed and overwhelmed and exhausted that the idea of getting up to empty the dishwasher seems as difficult as running a marathon? How’d you handle it? Am I lost cause? Am I doomed to gain a pound every day for the rest of my life?

xoxo