That’s Not Helpful At All.

I recently told a friend that I was feeling very stressed out. So stressed, in fact, that I was losing sleep. To counteract my bout of insomnia, I’ve taken to watching TV as late as possible, turning it off only when my eyes are about to close. Otherwise, my brain pulls into overdrive and I have to eat ice cream to slow it down, which would be fine except that I am allergic.

Anywho, his response to my struggles with the night?

“Have you considered buying a noise CD, like with noises of the ocean and stuff?”

“No, I have not,” I replied, in bewilderment. I thought maybe he would want to talk about my stress, but okay…noise CD. That’s going to be his approach. You know, I, being female, probably would have gone somewhere else, but it’s a creative approach, I’ll give him that. I decided to see how far we could go with it.

“You know,” I said, “I just don’t think I could fall asleep to a noise CD. It just sounds like static to my untrained ear.”

“Haven’t you ever fallen asleep on a beach?” he responds, not to be thrown off.

“Well, yes,” I recede. “But it’s just so loud on a recording. Not very soothing. It sounds so automated.”

He’s silent for a moment, as he considers this. Then, he comes out with his big winner:

“Jungle CDs! They make jungle CDs too!”

Thank you. That’s very…thoughtful. I’m sure listening to monkeys yelp their mating call will really lure me into a soft and nurturing nap.

Later, I texted my friends, one of which runs a website called ShitMyBoyfriendSays. The other, my best friend from college, recently single after a year and a half relationship, texts me back instantly. I can almost here her sighing from her cubicle as she types into her iphone:

Of course, I would never really beat him. 1. Because I just got my nails done and 2. Because being like Chris Brown is soooo 2005. And also because I love him. But I love her response too.

Talking to a male friend later, I recount the same troubles.

“I can’t sleep!” I cry. “My brain is like Fox News whenever there’s an election: overanlyazing incorrect facts for hours!”

I see him typing on facebook chat for a few moments before his response comes:

“Have you tried like, a wave CD? Or white noise?”

Eff it.