My Minneapolis Summer: My Issues with Wisconsin

 

I had never had the disgruntled experience of driving through Wisconsin until three weeks ago. My mother, always the savvy little traveler, had decided that we would avoid Chicago and drive to Minneapolis by instead taking the ferry that crosses whatever Great Lake is positioned to the left of Michigan (no one listens in middle school geography, okay? And if I really cared what lake was there, I’d use my iphone to google it. Actually memorizing the lake’s name seems a little overzealous to me) and drive through Wisconsin.

 

Oh Wisconsin. You waste of giant space.

 

I have a couple of key issues with Wisconsin.

 

The first is that this enormous state separates Michigan and Minneapolis. I realize that’s not Wisconsin’s fault, per se, but I’m not sure who else to blame but Wisconsin for its poor positioning strategy. Because of Wisconsin, a drive home for a weekend is impossible. And my God, have you ever tried to get a flight from Minneapolis to Michigan? Because of Wisconsin, it’s nearly $500 round trip! Flying to Chicago twice this summer is 80% cheaper. I could fly from Detroit to California and back for that price–and still have money to buy an LAX tshirt. Which is hands down, better than a Wisconsin tshirt. The only logical reasoning is that they have to jack the price up extra high in order to not lose money. After all, who wants to fly over Wisconsin?

 

Consider also that Wisconsin is known for…what? Cheese? Dairy farms? Great. I’m lactose Intolerant. I’m not exactly interested in spending 8 hours driving pass cheese shops and milk farms. Isn’t that a little discrimintory? How would you feel if I made you spend 8 hours driving in a car viewing things that would make your body bloat up like you’re five months into a pregnancy with twins? The two gas stations we stopped at had cheese wheels for sale at the register. Perfect. With my gasoline, I would really, really enjoy nothing more than a cheese wheel to snack on.

 

Wisconsin also has an extremely large Waterslide population. As in, every one mile there was a waterpark. Which is ridiculous because 1. Why are you people taking your kids to waterparks off highways? Doesn’t that seem a little dangerous? and 2. It’s colder in Wisconsin than Michigan, and our waterparks are either indoors or closed down for 9 months out of the year. So why exactly do you have so many waterparks that are outdoors? In this economy, does Waterpark scream good business investment to you?

 

Anyways, another point: the only fast food my mother and I both like…and really, the only “fast food” that doesn’t make me break out/need a nap/have a food baby/feel horrible, is Subway. So after a ferry ride across the Great Lake, a drive through the splendid town of Milwaukee, I was a little hungry. Subway was the answer. Finding a Subway in Wisconsin? No easy task. Forty five minutes into the search and Ann and I were still sandwichless. Our iphones didn’t have a signal. We were becoming sad. There was talk of resorting to McDonald’s, which would have been my first trip there (where I got something besides coffee or a smoothie) since 2006 (true, true story). Then, we spotted a highway sign directing us off the exit to a God-given gift, Subway! 

 

Except in Wisconsin, those exits don’t tell it like it is. Sure, it was off the exit, but it was off the exit, two miles down the road, after a right turn, a left turn, a right turn, a U turn, a swear word, and a curse to Wisconsin directions. I was finally satisfied with my whole wheat and turkey meal, but I was not pleased with Wisconsin.

 

I tried to do some research on Wisconsin to find what else it offerred. I wanted, deep in my dark, intern heart, to give Wisconsin another shot. But all Wikipedia told me was that Wisconsin is 50.6% female (I really do not need competition to get boys, thank you very much. I also strongly believe in always keeping a 5 men to Maggie ratio in my life) and besides excelling as “America’s Dairyland,” Wisconsin is also known for it’s Oat Production. Oats and Cheese. What a state.

 

My proposal, therefore, is that Minnesota and Wisconsin trade spots. If God can create the land in one day, he should be able to shift states in a couple hours. Putting Minneapolis on the border of Minnesota and the previously discussed Great Lake would allow me to get home in 4 hours. It would allow me to get to Chicago in three hours. It would allow me to not have my face rubbed in the fact that my body is missing the enzyme necessary to naturally breakdown lactose.

 

And most importantly, it would allow me to not have to mix my gas purchase with my cheese wheel purchase.