My Guide to Being a Flood

To be a member of the Flood Family, especially an offspring of the infamous Cliff and Ann, takes a special type of person. While the three Flood children try to blend in seamlessly with society, we are, at the end of the day, just a little, well, weird. For your leisure, I’ve compiled a list of 10 attributes that one must fulfill to be a legitimate Flood Family member. Feel free to adapt any of them and join our community or just read them, store for later, and maybe dress up as a Flood for Halloween. 

1. Never Take the Easy Path

Under no condition should you take the path of least resistance. Even if it is simply more easy and will get you to the same place as the difficult, windy path, take the hard path, just for kicks. For example, every single person in my family has changed their mind about their career after they were already in a different one. My mom was a nurse before she went to law school. My dad was a teacher before he went to law school. My older brother was working for JP Morgan before he decided, “ho hum, ho hum, medical school sounds like a party” and I was in the School of Education before I thought to myself, “My, this maize and blue is really clashing with my green eyes, I think I’ll go into Business.” Jacob, the youngest of our clan of freaks, has yet to hit this barrier. But he will. He can’t fight his DNA.

2. Feel Guilty Over Every Dollar You Spend

Whether you’re spending money on necessities (e.g. “you mean this prescription medicene is $40?! That’s outrageous. I’ll pass. People in the old days beat Mono without medication all the time!”) or just frivolous expenses (e.g. “Cover at Rick’s is free until 10. So even though the bar will be empty until midnight, off we go!”) money is always a sore subject with the Flood family. Although, let me be clear. This is more a forty/sixty split. Two members of our family are a little more, ahem, relaxed, with their credit cards, than the other three. But for the three of us, money is a consistent downer. I don’t like to use the term “frugal.” I prefer “efficient with money.” I always made fun of my Dad about how “efficient with his money” that he is. Until one day I realized I was just like him. That was a sad day.

3. Part Your Hair On the Right Side

From the parents to the kids, we all part on the right side. My hair is halfway down my back, and that right sided part remains. My dad’s lawyer cut? Right side part. David’s “I’m liberal and really cool and in touch with the world” look? Right side part. Jake’s “I’m in college, I don’t have time for things like a Right Side part” look? His hair literally falls on the right. It’s like our hair follicles had a team meeting before we were all born and were like, “Listen up guys, we’re going to fall to the right. Under no circumstances do you fall to the left. Even if Maggie spends an hour with her blow dryer and straightener screaming, “FALL TO THE LEFT YOU BASTARDS,” do NOT fall to the left. Okay? BREAK!”

4. Always Have a Five O’Clock Shadow

Female members of the tribe are obviously excused from this one, but gentlemen members, you must have a shadow on that face at all times. Do not shave it to the skin, unless you have an interview. That’s the only exception. Weddings, funerals, dates, family gatherings…you rock the beard. And if you do have to shave, afterwards, be sure not to shave for days in order to stick it to the man.

5. Live in Your Sweatpants During Holidays

Over long breaks when our family turns into hermits and locks ourselves into our cottage up north, you really only need to pack one outfit: a sweatshirt and a pair of sweatpants. You’ll be wearing this for a week, so make sure it’s the comfortable kind, and not the kind you buy when you want to look cute when lounging. We’re family: we don’t have to look good around each other. At some point, you’ll feel gross in your outfit, but you’ll stay in it. Not only because it’s the only thing you brought, but because at a certain point, it becomes a competition: who can go the longest without washing their scrubs? So far, David’s been our hands down winner.

6. Have a Deep Passion for Cheap Mexican Food

Whether it be salsa or burritos, chicken quesadillas or tortilla chips, the Floods love their Mexican. While we snack on the tortillas and homemade salsa, we also find Mexican food to be the perfect food to: coat your stomach after you drink, eat while you’re drinking, and cure your hangover the next morning when your head is pounding and the sun is just a little too bright. While our family has a particular passion for Big 10 Burrito, anything resembling a tortilla and stuffed with chicken, beans, and whatever else you desire, will pretty much do the trick. Oh, and it HAS to be cheap. If anything runs over $2.00, don’t even think about buying it. Our motto is: cheap mexican or no mexican, thankyouverymuch.

7. Be Allergic to Dairy

The tragic truth is, we’re all allergic to a certain extent to dairy products. So to be a Flood, you’ll have to give up some of the things you love most in life, like ice cream or milk or cheese. And also, there will be no rhyme or reason to the foods that make your stomach feel like Mike Tyson just socked you or the ones that go down without a fight. For example, eating brownies (made with milk chocolate), make me want to remove my stomach from my body. Drinking a latte (which is chuck full of milk), makes me happy. Eating macaroni and cheese will ruin my night, but on occasion, I can get away with strawberry yogurt. It’s illogical. It’s just the way it works. 

8. Watch an Insane Amount of Movies

The Flood family prides itself on the amount of movies we’ve seen. It’s outrageous. We’ve been members of Netflix and Blockbuster, we frequent websites where you download illegal movies, we’ll drive far distances to watch movies when they’re on limited release. You are also required to watch a lot TV series seasons on DVD. Get really into and watch six seasons of a show at once, preferably in your sweats (which of course, you haven’t washed and you also likely have a five o’clock shadow working). Order Mexican if you’re feeling really relaxed.

9. Eat Weird Food

While once upon a time, most of our family were pick eaters, we know eat just about anything. So be sure to go to restaurants and order something that sounds a little weird, but maybe has some potential. Eat ethnic food that no one else really likes, like Indian or Ethiopian. Be sure to drag other people with you and insist that they’ll like it, even if you’re pretty sure they won’t. Or, when you’re at the grocery store, buy weird food to tide you over for the week, like a bottle of salsa to eat just with a fork or a family size pack of gushers, even though you’re in your twenties and why are you buying gushers in your twenties? 

10. Deny That Most of These are True

A true Flood would deny these are true, because we’re unable to admit that other people are correct. My mom will probably say, “Mexican Food! I don’t like mexican food!” as she makes her own salsa or creates her own pita chips from scratch. Cliff will insist he’s not frugal, he just “knows the value of a dollar, ok? Sheesh.” Jake does not always have a five o’clock shadow, he just doesn’t have “time to shave. I’m busy, ok? Sheesh.” And of course, David eats weirdly, but he never forces anyone else to, he just knows you’ll “LOVE it, ok? Sheesh.” 

And me? I admit they’re true. But while my mother is a Flood by marriage, someday I’ll be able to escape this family and get a different last name. Then, maybe my hair will start to part on the left.