My Ten Children
I was a very ambitious six year old. While many of my lazy peers were playing with legos or their my size barbies or just generally sitting around and picking their noses, I was deep in the trenches of planning my life. I’ve always been a planner and even when I was six, I had a gameplan. It went something like this:
Age 10: Become a world traveling ballerina (I had no idea I’d grow much too tall to control my limbs)
Age 13: Marry Michael Ready (Because teenagers could do whatever they want, although Michael Ready is now gay.)
Age 14-24: Have ten children
Oh yes. Ten. In my tender and innocent youth, I had no idea of the trials and tribulations of childbirth (or after birth. That was a real pleasant surprise when I found that one out. Or the fact that stuff TEARS, people. And there’s skin and poop and your feet swell and then you have to lose all the weight and get back to normal all the while this parasitical child that you wanted so much is demanding things like food and water!) But, when you’re a kid, you overlook the practical and go straight for the fun stuff. Like naming the kids and then planning out your incredible cool house with cute little bedrooms for each kid.
I’m pretty sure my ten kids had the kind of cool names only a little kid can give. Like “Crystal” and “Destiny.” Sounds like I was going to raise some future strippers, huh? The boys had equally cool names, like “JC” and “Tommy,” which pretty much means they were some hair gel and a dance class away from being members of a boy band.
This stage of having ten kids didn’t actually end early. I think I carried on this whim until I was in middle school. But at some point, I lost a little of my motivation for pushing out ten screaming alien lookalikes and the numbers slowly dropped. It went from 10 to 8 to 5 to what I’d like now, 3 or 4 little monsters. Maybe an adoption to even things out or if my body begins to look like I’m in dire need of a Mommy Makeover Kate Gosselin style.
Some people never know if they want to have kids. Having kids is the only thing I’ve ever known I want to do. I don’t really have any idea of what I want as a career (those who said I’d figure that out in college, you handed me a torch of hope that has not worked out), but I do know I want to be a Mom. For goodness sake, I still had babydolls until I was in high school (relax, I didn’t still play with them. I just felt guilty putting them in storage).
My mom used to worry a little about how much I wanted to have kids. In fact, when I was 12 or 13, every time I’d utter “I can’t even wait to have kids someday,” my mom, without missing a beat, would respond, “When you’re old enough and financially stable.” It’s kind of become a running joke. If you look back in my blogposts, every time I bring up kids, that tagline is sure to follow. She nailed it into my head. Of course, this turned out to be unnecessary because I really enjoy being thin and I don’t want to ruin my body with a little Maggie Jr. until I’m old enough and financially secure enough to afford smart lipo.
Because I plan on being a super great mom (much like my own, I might add), I started working on my mothering skills a couple years ago. What’s that mean? Well, I learned to do stuff like scrapbook and bake really good chocolate chip cookies and birthday cakes or how to exist on five hours of sleep. I also perfected how to take an obnoxious amount of photos because, as I tell people when they roll their eyes and pose for me, “someday you’ll want these memories.”
Still, at newly 21 (in case anyone has forgotten that I am now legally able to drink–I apologize to all 20 year olds still waiting because I am seriously the biggest waste of a legitimate ID), I’ve got some time before I start breeding. Which is great because I am not financially and independant stable and I am certainly not old enough (I still watch the Disney Channel. I don’t want to enjoy the same television shows as 2 year old kid). And by some time, I mean a lot of time, which is great because if I ever go back to my plan of having ten kids, I’m going to need all the rest I can get.