My H20

Some people hate spiders. Some people hate dogs. Some people have hatred of really peculiar things, like the smell of rain in the summer or particular types of clowns.

Me? I hate water.

Yeah, I get it’s one of nature’s three main elements. And I appreciate that without out, our system couldn’t function and that my body needs it to survive. Thanks water, for that, anyways. And actually, drinking water is completely fine by me. I enjoy a bottle of water as much as the next dehydrated girl.

But water used as entertainment value really irriates me. A body of water that I can splash around and in and potentially drown in? No thanks, I’ll pass. Showers? Necessary, for sure, but totally a waste of time. And body water? There’s just nothing quite like not being able to zip up those extra snug jeans because it’s “that time” and my body’s bloated out.

The feud between water and I go way, way back. I was always the worst in swim class. My mom felt it was important for a kid to learn how to swim, so she signed me up for those classes through our local high school that lets you learn to swim over the summer. That was a big fail. It’s pretty hard to learn how to do anything but wade when you refuse to put your face under water.

When I was four or five, I had a near drowning incident. When recounts of this story have changed (as in, I exaggerate them and my mom refuses to admit that what occurred could have been life or death), the general bones of the story are as follows: I fell in a pool, I had to be saved. Had I not been saved, I would have died.

Such a near drowning experience at such a young age is difficult to overcome. And I really did carry this hatred with me. I never became a strong swimmer and while I of course take showers, my roommates love me because I’m in and I’m out. It’s like a blink. An old boyfriend used to make fun of me because he had to wonder how a girl could wash her hair and soap up so quickly. “I hustle,” I’d always reply. “I go as fast as I can and hope that the worst will be over soon.”

When I was a sophomore in college, there was an incident involving a river and a strong current and once again, I had to be saved. While I was riding down the river and it seemed like death was imminent, all I could think was, “Water you bitch. You finally won, didn’t you?”

Of course, I did manage to survive that little incident (Ha water! How you like me now!), it’s kind of made me even wearier of the bonds between hydrogen and oxygen. I barely touched the water all summer, except when I was in Italy and cliff diving. Even then, I just closed my eyes and hoped it’d be over before I knew it. My lake house could be in a desert because I’ve barely touched the lake in years. I don’t do pool parties.

To be clear, I’m not scared of water. It’s just not my thing. It’s like most girls and sports: we’re aware they exist, we’d just prefer not to sit through them. Or discuss them. Or acknowledge their presence.

My goal for this year is to tame the wild beast that is water. I’m going to start by learning how to swim. I’ll let you know how that fares. A 20 year old in swim lessons? Only I could be that ridiculous.