My Nanny

Do you ever feel like the entire world is just against you?

Like you’re MSU and UNC got a twenty point lead and man, you’re trying pretty hard, but there is just not enough hours in the day (like that sports allusion? Thanks. That’s all I’ve got). 

I think I stay a little too busy maybe. I spend 15 hours a week in school, ten in work, seven training, 10 at fraternity events, and the rest studying. I’m so tired all the time. Even when I’m working super hard at everything, it feels like I’m never doing as well as I want to. I don’t want to just “do” everything. I want to be PERFECT at everything! Dammit! Perfection!

I’ve finally discovered the answer to succeeding at everything: A Nanny.

I need a nanny. It’s not just a desire, it’s a freakin’ necessity. Think of how much easier life would be with a nanny. No more time spent waiting for the bus to take you to and fro’. Nope, the nanny and her minivan can take me to class, to work, to Louis Street, to the library. And when I’m ready to go home? I’ll have one of those awesome Disney Princess cellphones that only have like, once number programmed: the nanny. And she’ll come fetch me. 

I can have lunches delivered to me. Fresh lunches. No more Healthy Choice Soy Chicken nuggets! At night, I could have dinner! I think our apartment deserves to have its oven used at least once this year.

And the nanny would tutor me when I don’t understand everything for a class. She could make flashcards to quiz me and when I fail or don’t do so hot on something (as is my life currently), Nanny can rub my back and give me fresh baked chocolate chip cookies (Mama Ann’s recipe, of course) to make me feel all better. 

Since I’m so busy, Nanny would have some down time. While I’m at school or work, Nanny can clean my room and do my laundry. She can also go grocery shopping for me, fix my dresser which broke a few weeks ago, sort through my clothes to give them away, and then she can take a nap. After all, even Nannies need a break.

Nanny could be my wingwoman on the weekends, picking me up and dropping me off from events I’m stuck going to. She can tell me if I look cute or if the outfit needs changing. And when I do long runs on the weekend, Nanny can time me, make sure I don’t die, and reassure me that in fact, I am not lost even though I am in a sketchy neighborhood (actually, maybe Nanny should take judo just to ensure that I am safe in said sketchy neighborhoods).

Nanny could also respond to the emails and voicemails I get, but am generally too lazy to do anything with. My friends would probably think something was wrong with me though if I just randomly started returning their calls or doing what their messages asked. I’d have to have Nanny send out an email clarifying that my life was now her duty, just so no one freaked out.

And now, since it’s late at night, Nanny would come into my room, rub my back, and whisper sweet stories about candy mountains and soft clouds until I fell asleep. 

Anyways, the position is up for grabs. Obviously, since you’d be nannying a college student, the job would be extremely fulfilling morally, so that would be the reimbursement as opposed to pay. Please shoot me an email if you’re interested. Just give me a few weeks to respond.

Perpetual students need not apply.