My MRS Degree

I’ve been thinking a lot about the easiest degree at MSU. They don’t technically offer an MRS degree, but I feel like they should. And then I realized I probably wouldn’t be eligible to get one because there’s no way I could pass the required curriculum. Let’s consider the classes needed for a Bachelor of Arts in Being a Mrs:

1. Cooking 201

I can bake cookies, but I can’t cook. We have an oven and lovely pots and pans in my apartment, but I haven’t used them in months. I’m a pro with the microwave and if you need take out, I’m your girl. I can even convince them to speed it up if you’re in a hour. But actually cooking a roast or grilling up some steak? I’m hopeless. And what’s worse is that I don’t care. I don’t need a roast to be happy. So if I took this class, I’d probably pass because I like to eat, but I wouldn’t pass with flying colors. I’m simply too lazy.

Estimated Grade: C

2. Sewing 305

I’m the worst sewer you’ve ever met. I can’t even sew a button. My mom tried to get me to sew pillows over the summer. She eventually just told me to go away because I couldn’t even get the sewing machine to sew a straight line. I’m pathetic. I could go to office hours for sewing class all year long and I’d still only pass because the teacher would feel bad for my poor projects. Kind of like how your mom always says she loves your projects you brought home as a kid, even though she just wishes you’d buy her a damn sweater rather than yet another macaroni necklace.

Grade: D-

3. Breeding 402

I like babies. Babies that can’t talk, can’t run away, and can’t annoy you too much. But children age 1 to 6, i just find obnoxious. They ooze bodily fluids everywhere, they’re never happy, and they cry a lot. Plus, I hate fairy tales. I just do. The story of Goldilocks and the Three Bears is absolutely ridiculous. Seriously. Not only is the whole bears alive thing just too fanatical for its own good, but no little blonde girl is going to be into porridge, especially not enough to try three different bowls before picking her favorite. They’re all gross. 

Grade: C+

4. Trophy Wife 345

I think I’d own this class. Seriously. Flirt with old men, get them to like me, have a few drinks? I’d just show up for the final and rock this class.

Grade: A

5. Wifey 495

This class would show the best wife traits in the world. Rub your husband’s feet, do his laundry, give him positive reinforcement. Yeah, this class isn’t going to go so hot for me. I’m way too selfish to rub someone else’s feet. I don’t even do my own laundry. If the final is how to give your one and only a back massage, I’m screwed.

Grade: D

6. Senior Thesis: What Being a Wife Means to Me

The point of this thesis would be to show how sewing, breeding, cooking, cleaning, and doing laundry would be the best time of your life. I don’t think I could write that. So instead, I’d write about how I’m psyched to get married so I can have someone to vacation with or make excuses to get out of family events with. Or how hopefully the income between me and my husband will be large enough to make sure we can hire someone to do that laundry and order a lot of take out.

Grade: Fail. Off topic thesis.

 

 

In the end, I think I’m going to stick with business. Otherwise, my gpa would just go right down the drain.